Fears, Death, And Flying

1957- My Earliest Memories of Fying

Lying on my back beside my oldest brother whom I deeply revered- I was 10 or 11 and he was 14 or 15.  The crop duster would fly right above us- he always said that he could touch the wheels of the plane as it flew over us but I was always scared to reach up.

My brother wanted to fly; he put together plastic models and shot them with his pellet gun…

But the thought of flying scared me.  It was one of two great fears of mine…dying was the other…they seemed to preoccupy me in my early years.

I was forced into flying by winning the lottery… the draft lottery; I think it is the only lottery I will ever win.  I got free flying lessons and an all expense paid trip to Vietnam.  It was 1967--- I was a junior at New Mexico State University.  It was early fall of that year when I got the call from Dr. Badger, the head of the local draft board.  She told me that they drew my number the night before. I was #23.  She instructed me to go to El Paso to get my physical, that afternoon.  My life was no longer in my control.                                    

It is probable that my response was too loud and too scared as I blurted out: “I am in college- I am making good grades- I am going places.”  “You are going places alright, you are going to Vietnam,” she obviously was not appreciative of my tone or words.  What if I get married? (I didn’t have a girlfriend but desperation and anger did not hesitate over such trivialities) I was unfamiliar with the law and was looking for a deferment. I did not want to die…surely not in some jungle a long way off.  There are no deferments…none!  I wanted to finish college- What if I get in ROTC?  “Yes that would work; I will give you 24 hours to be signed up.”  She was all business.

Within the hour I was at the Air Force ROTC office on campus.  There was just one hitch; they only had pilot slots…WHAT???  I know you have many career fields, why are you telling me this?  Each year we get quotas, the people who signed up last spring got all the non flying slots, we tried to get you to sign up then, but you did not want to, now you need us, but our non-flying slots are filled

Why does no one want the pilot slots…?

The Vietnam War, we are killing lots of pilots…

“WHAT????”

Suddenly, my life was even more out of control than it had seemed when I got the call from the draft board; now my two most powerful fears were confronting me in less than 2 hours time.  I had not prepared for this moment…

I left the building, declining the “opportunity” to fly.  I reasoned I could surely talk my way out of this when Dr. Badger called back.
I was wrong.  She called back 24 hours to the minute. The conversation was short; I never got to my carefully concocted defense…“Son, did you get into ROTC?”  “Ma’am, you don’t understand, the only positions they have are pilot slots because they are killing so many pilots.”  “That’s ok son, they are killing lots of guys on the ground too, now you get to El Paso this afternoon and get that physical.

I think I was saying a heartfelt prayer for the first time in my life, “Lord, I could use a little help right now, I do not know what to do.”  I made a snap decision that affected my entire life, I asked for another chance to go sign up for ROTC, I wanted to finish college, and then I would figure the flying part out.  Her response…”I will give you 12 more hours to get into ROTC, if you are not signed up by then, I will come to Las Cruces and personally drive you to get that physical.”

I got ‘er dun, I signed up to fly.

That’s how it happened. This lifelong passion for flying began in a moment of fear and disarray when I was forced to make a decision.

Over the next several months I had lots of time to think. 

I had friends who were joining thousands of young men and women who opted to leave the US and go to Canada rather than go to war. 

Many have never returned home…they became Canadians just like that…I ought to call one and find out what they think of that free healthcare up there. 

Like me they are getting to the age where they probably really need it now.

In my heart, I knew I could not seek asylum in Canada, become a draft dodger. I did not have a moral objection to the war; I was just scared, pure and simple. 

My fear was more insidious than fear of war…I was just a fearful person.  I began to realize that my fears had been one of the central parts of my life up to that time.  Fear of not being sufficient, fear of not making the grade, fear of taking on challenges, fear of making decisions.

I began to really look at myself

I started dealing with the things that controlled me,

I began to look at my beliefs and my faith

I began to try to understand better who I really was, to think about my family and my values

I was as conservative then as I am now

I began to understand that I believed in personal accountability.  I still do.  It is one of the most basic conservative beliefs. 

I was personally accountable to the men and women who had served before, my number had come up, my name was called.

Now I must serve and after several months of soul searching I knew it and served gladly.   I know it now and still strive to serve.   It is part of who I was raised, part of those values I was taught.

My core values were then and still are today:

• Faith
• Family
• Freedom
• Service

God has a curious ways- 50 years later flying has been and still is a very big part of my life.  I have flown all around the globe.  Over the North Pole, all through Vietnam, in all sorts of planes, crop dusters, military jets, corporate planes and I still fly myself around this huge and wonderful state of New Mexico.


           
My brother never took a flying lesson.